Brave Humans

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve blatantly ripped off Nick’s closing from a recent post (thank you, Nick). This phrase, “barely human,” sums up how I feel much of the time. Just this morning, in fact.

I often wonder what it means to be part of the human race. Now, it could be argued that I’m watching too much Battlestar Galactica these days (but really, you can never get enough BSG, so that can’t be it).

In my most brooding of moments, I’ve despaired whether I can ever fulfill even an ounce of my own human potential. By this I mean, I still feel like I’m trying to figure out who I am in this world, or who I’m supposed to be, or if I even want to be. Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I get so disgusted with the horrible things we humans do to each other that I can’t stand being human. I can’t bear being part of it. When those peaks of pique hit, I have to unplug and create space to feel and believe my own sanity. I fast, I meditate at my shrine, I go for walks in the sun or in the woods, I take a candlelight bath, I hang out on a friends’ farm to play with the other animals. I pray to get my perspective back in focus, and eventually, I am ready to re-enter the fray.

Other days, I feel completely isolated from the human race. I have to force myself to re-establish my connection with the rest of humanity. Maybe I spend too much time at home writing, or hunting inside my head – and when the moment comes where I have no doubt that I am the only sentient creature on earth, I go for a walk to the store, or sit in a coffee shop full of people, or perhaps the farmer’s market, any public place where I can remember one of the most basic truths: we are all the same. We are all just trying to find some peace and happiness. Sometimes, as odd as it seems, this anonymous experience of humanity is more healing than hanging out with my friends, although at other times I crave the company of those who know me well. I hear about their lives, joys and problems, and I remember: we are, each of us, trying to make the best of what we’ve got. We’re all in this together, and I am not alone.

If you’re familiar with Buddhism, this should ring a bell. In fact, this very notion is one of the reasons why I became a Buddhist six years ago. I am continually trying to access my Buddha Nature, and one of the ways I attempt this is to recognize Buddha Nature in others, cultivating compassion for them, for myself. Even those filled with hate, those who rely on brutality to make themselves feel better – even they are trying to be happy, albeit from a very twisted vantage point. There is something comforting about knowing that I am not the only one mucking about, and that in the grand scheme of things, I’m not doing so badly after all.

Let’s see…time to check in with the Human-o-meter. How human do I feel now? Pretty darn human, actually. And I’m fine with that. For now.