The Prodigal’s Brother
So, I take it from the general level of comments that most people who read this site are familiar with the Bible. The starting point for my post is the parable of “The Prodigal Son.” I going to assume you’re familiar with the story and not go into all the details. What I’d like to highlight is the very end. The “other” brother.
He’s upset. He did all the things a good son does, he has the love of his father, and he’s been given his share of inheritance. But he never got his party. While his brother was out squandering his inheritance, he stayed home and did his father’s bidding. He wants his recognition, too.
Yeah, parties are nice. It’s good to be the focus of celebration. But isn’t it also nice to have a home and family by your side, and a constant source of support nearby?
Before the brother returned home, did the other son wish for a party in his name? What I’m thinking is, no. It wasn’t until he had someone with whom he could compare his own status.
It’s funny how you can be perfectly happy with yourself, your life, your career, your home, etc., and then some point of comparison with someone else can bring doubt into that happiness. Goodness knows I’ve had to deal with this for the past eighteen years in my weekly phone conversations with my father. I must feel stuck and unhappy. We don’t make enough money to be happy. We don’t live in a good enough home. Our jobs have no future. These are the words I hear from him.
I’ve come to realize I can’t convince him otherwise. I am happy in my life. I do not feel stuck. We do have enough money and a good home. We have a future. But he’s holding us up to some other goals, some people he hears about on the news, what’s in the newspaper. I’m not using any comparisons. I don’t need any. How do I feel? What do I know? That’s enough for me.
I’ve made my choices in life, and I’ll continue to do so, without reference to what others think I should be doing. I am much more of a “life is a journey” type of person, rather than one who’s working up to a final exam. I’ve never been one who did well on tests.
Comparisons lead to a “you vs. me” mentality. Obviously you and I have differences. If you have something I desire, I could feel badly. Or if I have something you desire, you might feel badly. Or…here’s a thought…we could both enjoy what we have, and be happy with that. Who knows, we could even share. Don’t get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with striving. Simply put, I think that there is perhaps not enough time and energy spent in our own appreciation.
This reminds me of a simple saying I found years and years ago on a sugar packet at a restaurant: “Be glad for the things you don’t have that you don’t want.” You may not have everything you want, but I’m sure there are lots of things you don’t want that you don’t have.
Be human,
Julia
March 23rd, 2007 12:54
I’ve always found this particular parable intriguing precisely because of the second brother. Because it’s a parable, we presume that there are things we’re intended to learn from it, and because it doesn’t end with the glorious homecoming but rather with the unhappiness of the second brother, we assume that there’s something we should take away from that portion of the story as well. But it’s just not as obvious as the first parts of the story. I like your take on it.
March 23rd, 2007 19:32
Hey Julia- here are a few thoughts spurred by your post.
Some few years back, a spiritual teacher of growing renoun said this:
1. Life means suffering.If we live , we suffer, because the human nature is not perfect and neither is the world we live in. So some of this we are just stuck with.
2. The reasons we suffer are more important than the suffering. It’s craving for what we don’t have and and clinging to what we do have that drives us crazy. And one of our biggest attachments is to our notions of who we are, (e.g., Lily’s struggles in her approach to a greater truth (for her) in a new spiritual path; I find that mirrored in my emotional difficulties in leaving pure Catholicism [with my Irish Catholic self-identification] for a broader notion of spiritual life.)
But this fellah, the Buddha, says that release from suffering is achievable by addressing and ending our inappropriate attachment. Not that we can’t be attached to anything, but the trick is being with things in healthy ways: I like how you mention celebrating what we have. I can occasionally take it a step further and even celebrate what the Other Person has. I do that sometimes with my brother Denis’ Catholicism, which brings him such joy that I can only be happy for him, even tho’ that’s not where I am spiritually anymore. The Second Brother forgot this– be happy for whatever path really works for your Brother (or Sister. Or Neighbour. Or Fellow Citizen. Of the World.)
That is another invitation here at BH; to enjoy someone else’s ideas and perspectives, even when I don’t have them. Maybe we should encourage more responses which agree, if we are indeed looking for points of agreement. Maybe we’ve gotten into the old pattern of “Yeah, BUT…”
Maybe we could all be better served by more “Yeah….hey, YEAH!”
Meanwhile, although you don’t necessarily need my feedback on your life any more than your Da’s, it seems to me that you are in a great place with your life, and like many of us, you get pulled off-balance sometimes. (You’re brave, but human?) Thanks for the chance to reflect.
Best-
Nick
March 24th, 2007 11:39
Hi, Holmes. Thanks for your comment. Yes, I’ve found this parable speaks to me a little differently each time I come to it. I would be curious to hear any other thoughts you have oncerning the second brother.
And Nick, I appreciate your reflections. One thing I wanted to add originally but thought better of, and hence left out, was a quotation from the Dalai Lama’s book “The Art of Happiness.” I don’t have a copy in front of me, but it gives one measure of happiness based on recognizing the suffering of others. That doesn’t sound right as I wrote it; it’s not that we should be happy and rejoice that others are miserable. Rather, in recognizing that others are less fortunate than ourselves, we can feel happiness in recognizing our own comforts. Your comment brought that back to mind.
I’ll personally take up your invitation to enjoy others’ ideas and perspectives, even and especially when they might not agree with my own. Yeah!
Julia
March 29th, 2007 12:37
Julia,
Humorously, I would venture to say that “comparison is the root of all evil”. It’s a faulty maxim, but we can see this in many places.
I was involved in motivational systems that taught me to be dissatisfied with my current contentedness, all in the name of motivating me to bigger and better things. How’s that for an ugly setup? I had to despise what I had become in order to want to change it. Realistically, there was nothing wrong with what I was (or still am).
This concept makes me give people a silly look when they say they are “finding themselves”. My first comment - to myself, of course - is that I found them, they are right in front of me. But I wonder how much of this “finding myself” movement is because of invalid comparison, when we should be facing the reality of who we are, liking some things about ourselves, and working to change what we believe we should change. Oftentimes, we are conditioned to throw out the baby with the bath water.
Per your last thought in the post, there are many times we want something, then after we get it, realize we were better off without it.
April 1st, 2007 08:09
Hi, Rick. The motivational system you described sounds absolutely icky to me. I’m glad you could come through it unscathed.
I have my own experience with “finding myself,” as I went through a bit of a mid-life crisis around the age of 24. It wasn’t because I wanted to change who I was, but rather that I wanted to find out who I really was. Not what others were intending me to be, or through anyone else’s eyes. I wanted to find out the reality of who I was at that time. I ended up embracing who I was, which is probably why my father has such a hard time understanding me and my happiness.
I wonder if it is part of our materialist mentality (as a culture, I mean, not speaking directly about any person) that encourages us to throw out the baby with the bathwater, as you mentioned. ‘If you don’t like something, get rid of it and try again for something better,’ and all that. And that’s how we arrive at your last sentence, with something that we wanted but then once owned is to our sorrow, detriment, or just plain annoyance.
Julia